Sun, not sin

(Continuing)

What I've learned from sin:

… everything is always broken or less than it should be no matter what and if that's not clear it's because I can't see straight… Because of sin.

What's deserved for it is punishment. Take that to the nth degree, hellfire and brimstone.

The accuser, Satan, loves it… Might as well be the same voice saying [accusing]…Why didn't you do this? You should never have done that. You probably think one thing when the other is true. 

I learned to question myself endlessly, so much so it makes me unable to make decisions and feel happy from day to day.

Always quite sure your fooling yourself into thinking things that are false all the time. From one delusion to the next.

What's really real and who the hell are you… Truly?

It makes concrete and nearly intractable a lifestyle of endless reward and punishment for good and bad behavior, separating human beings from themselves and from God and from each other.

As he tapped away at his laptop from his station near the window at the coffee shop, the room lived its life filled with the aroma of fresh cooked bakery, espresso and maybe a hint of cigarette from the gentleman sitting two chairs down from him near the decorative palm beside the doorway. Sun sliced in through the window.

He put his face straight up into the suns warmth and brilliance. Finally. Thank you.

That was enough for one day. Every time he worked on the essay he would get a headache and end up feeling crappy. Still underneath that was the heat and energy of knowing that this is what he could do, he was the agent in place, the one who stayed. Accepting that wasn't always easy, but there were times when finishing an important project like this one could stir his visions. He'd keep writing.

Right now he needed to be on his way to Jack's. They were going to enjoy an afternoon preseason game, he for the Cubs, Jack for the Pirates as usual. Not a bad day he thought to himself, sunshine and baseball. Winter wouldn't last forever and the essay would of course come to an end soon so long as he kept to his schedule.

Part of what bothered him was the fear of being misunderstood. He was of course by no means against the critical importance of self-knowledge; knowing the importance of being able to recognize his own shadows and capacity for illusion, a tendency to project his own fears onto other people. Self-love meant cultivating the ability to see the beauty of integrity and acknowledging his own growing edges.

Warm thoughts came to mind: Keep the Beginner's mind. We must always be ready to see anew. These were basics he tried to remember. And of course, he could always return to his breathing.